Big 4 Auditor Spits On Teammate After Finding Out He Went UTS

“What the fuck Addison? Did you just spit on me?”

When UNSW business school alumni Addison Chen entered KPMG’s co-op program in the summer of twenty-twelve, his career was in the hands of a high excellence financial services firm.

What this meant was, anyone who stepped foot inside the 50 floor building came from UNSW (The University of NSW), or at the very least – USYD (The University of Sydney).

But it turns out the junior auditor has been living a lie.

As the aircon had been a little too aggressive this week, Addison’s teammate decided to wear a university hoodie.

And that’s when Addison spat on Nathan Kwong from UTS (The University of Technology) .

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“What the fuck Addison? Did you just spit on me?”

“Oh I’m sorry Nathaniel, I thought we only we hired from universities established pre-2008. I didn’t realise we had under-qualified TAFE students on payroll”.

We spoke to Addison who said he’s sorry but not sorry.

“I was just showing him what elite academics look like – germs.”

“Like Nathaniel, if you attended a school with an actual philosophy – like Never Stand Still for instance, then you would’ve avoided my saliva.”

Nathan tells us while annoyed, he’s not shocked at Addisons behavior.

“This is what happens your school sucks at uni games. And yeah, I won gold for Touch at EUGs in 2013.”

According to HR, the incident is ‘minor’ and there will be no punishments for either employee.

“Well it could be worse” says Sarah. “He could’ve gone Macquarie…like me.”

#NeverStandStill.

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Martin is the Chief Strategist at The YAP Native. Pressured to study medicine by his parents, he defaulted to commerce and found his calling sucking the corporate teet of the finance sector. You can catch him 'flexing' with a Single Malt Scotch Whisky at various upper class watering holes in Sydney CBD on Fridays.