As 2018 winds down before your company shoo’s you away for forced leave, you’d think it’s time to put your feet up and relax.
You’re forgetting about the Christmas party, where despite posting a career-high 90 hour work week this year and losing roughly 93% of your soul in the process, you’re expected to show some of that vibrant personality of yours…or risk being mistaken for the other 40 Asians on your team.
The Yap Native, in consultation with various xmas party organisers have put together a list to help you say, “There’s more to me than just balance sheets”.
1.“Yes, I will have another beer”
Preparation is key. That’s why you’ll be cheating mother nature by taking some form of Asian flush treatment (e.g. Zantec or a flush patch) before you drink. Now, you are ready to participate in the alcoholism which our nation of convicts is founded on.
Sub-communication: I too, am an alcoholic and my liver is just as strong as yours
2. Drop an internally racist remark
As you’ve already taken your RedeePatch anti flush patch, you’ve also lowered your chances of getting Asian glow by a whopping 85%.
So, as you consume an impressive third Corona with lime, drop a sly “Most Asians can’t drink like us without getting red [haha]”
The boys will impressed with your disregard for political correctness and feel comfortable dropping more racist comments around you. Meanwhile, some of the white girls will laugh at first but immediately feel guilty for doing so.
Sub-communication: I’m Australian too mate and it’s not racism, it’s just banter tru?
3. Banter with the CEO
You’ve got a few drinks into you and now you know why they call it liquid confidence. Better yet, you’ve already researched the CEO on LinkedIn so you know he likes golf.
Wear the same Red Polo in his display picture and set yourself up next to him while he’s reflecting on this years numbers by the venue (or boat) balcony. As he notices you staring into the harbour too, practice your golf swing before adding a well-rehearsed:
“Steve, you’re the backbone of this company and you fire me up.”
Bonus quote if things are going well:
“You know Steve, in Vietnam we have a saying that goes – ‘a golf swing a day keeps the revenue at bay’”
Sub-communication: I’m here, and I’m ready to give more of my soul to your company. But know you know my name.
4. Separate the men from the boys. Get a bag with Greg from sales
You’ve laid the groundwork with the big boss and you’ve established some rapport with the extended crew. Now it’s time to get in with the team who carry the most swagger – sales.
Initiate a chat about Sunday Seshes and suggest how you just wished saw a White Christmas growing up. Naturally, the team shark Greg Janovski, will dap his nose, wink at you and that’s when you say,
“G. I’d love to get an ‘aggybay’.”
Future you may regret this decision, but today is the present so embrace the gift that it is.
Sub-communication: I’ve also watched The Wolf of Wall Street, I’m a man of ‘the sesh’, and I’m a fucking savage.
5. Hookup with the new intern from marketing and make swift exit
Now, this one’s pretty advanced but if you’ve completed tips 1-4 then you give yourself a fighting chance of pulling it off – so listen up.
You’ve established yourself as the life of the party, it’s time to reap what you have sowed.
The new intern, Bianca Jones, has potentially checked you out a few times. Take your energy over to her and say “Bianca, it’s great to finally meet you”.
As you charm her with your newfound social prowess and ethnically implied work ethic, it’s time to plan your eventual exit,
“Want to get food after this?”
Sub-communication: I’m comfortable shitting where I eat / getting my honey where I make my money / fishing from my own pond.
Caveats with this tip
if you are thinking of saying something weird just don’t say it e.g “do you like balance sheets?”
Get your sober mate to check her body language before you handsy.
if your desk is within line sight of your Bianca don’t do it.
*We are not responsible for any HR implications