REPORT: Asians From Sydney And Melbourne Pretty Much The Fucking Same

A new survey by the Yapland Institute of Technology has settled a heated debate between two types Asians from Australia’s marquee cities: Sydney and Melbourne.

Despite the growing notion that “Melb Asians > Syd Asians,” and the outdated belief that Asians from Melbourne are ‘softcunts’ compared their Sydney counterparts, it appears the truth in 2018 lies somewhere, smack bang in the middle.

“All things considered…They’re pretty much the fucking same.”

“Just read some of these responses.”

Head Researcher, Professor Kee Leung Chu points to many of the respondents answers, which wildly contradict their answers to other questions in the survey. See below:

Q. Who’s got a better taste in music?

A. Melbourne, because it’s the trance capital of the world

– Wendy (21, Melbourne)

Wendy also answered “3” to the question ‘How many caps did you do at Defqon Sydney.

Q. Who’s better at ‘fucking shit up’?

Sydney. We made FSU.

– Jason (25, Sydney)

Jason also answered “Twice a year” to the question ‘Do you ever fly down to Melbourne and book a table at Scarlett nightclub to avoid lockout laws.’

Q. Who’s got hotter girls?

Sydney, the girls just muzz better.

– William (19, Melbourne)

William also answered “Yes” to the question “Does your sister know know to juicy wiggle?”

Contradictions aside, the results also highlight some glaring similarities between the two species of Asian. The most obvious one being the use of the Facebook group ‘subtle asian traits’ to communicate with their friends, says Professor Kee Lung.

“95% of all respondents were on the group, regardless of city”

“They also seem to like each others content a lot,”

“Which leads us to believe they are simply two peas in a pod. Do the peas like each other? No. Are they in the same pod? You bet.”

One of over 500 survey participants who were named Kevin, refuted the results stating Sydney Asians are just simply better.

“Go get a tram you Melbourne cunt.” Kevin Park says as he waits for NSW Transport workers to end their next strike.

More on the survey findings as it unfolds.

Bonus Q. Who’s better at drinking?

Sydney 100%, I’ll match any Melbournite shot for shot when it comes to Soju.

– Paul (26, Sydney)

Paul also answered “Yes” to the question “Have you experimented with Anti-Flush remedies to counteract Asian flush?”

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Jen is the lifestyle editor at The YAP Native. As a long time sufferer of a condition known as wanderlust Jenny has been to over 6 continents and dated both guys and girls from roughly 20 different ethnicities.