Knockout Circus Virgin Switches From Muzz Tutorial To Porn As Parents Walk In

2:30AM

With just a few sleeps before the inaugural ‘Knockout Circus’ hardstyle extravaganza, first time attendee Phillip Gerald De Mesa (18) is working tirelessly to perfect his muzz.

The recently legal red P-Plater from Blacktown NSW, who simply can’t wait to lose his ‘Knockout virginity’, has spent over an hour watching a series  of muzzing and chopping tutorials.

Headphones on and parents asleep, he puts theory to action.

“It just felt so right,” admits De Mesa later on.

“So right that I’d forgot my surroundings [ha ha]”

As he played Sparks by Code Black and Darren Styles, Phillip committed to an explosive chopping routine, he reveals.

In the same motion, he pulled his Beats headphones out from his laptop, releasing 170pm of euphoric happy hardcore from his not-so-sound-proof room to the neighbourhood.

“I was mid-combination when I realised they (headphones) came out,” he recounts. “When I plugged em back in that’s when I heard Mums footsteps”

“I figured, best cut my losses and switch to something less aggressive.”

“Thank fuck I had a spare Redtube tab open from earlier”

The soon-to-be UTS pathways student emphasises how lucky it was pornography was there to divert attention.

“My hips which were still moving when she came in and I had 23 more tabs of muzzing videos open,”

“Try explaining that without porn”

The Q-Dance enthusiast’s Mum, Maria, says while it was a little confronting, she’s just relieved Phillip isn’t gay.

“Sure, my Gilbert moves his hips like a homosexual.”

“But thank Jesus he watch man and women natural sex so he don’t catch the gay.”

As his Mum gets ready for church, Phillip let’s our reporter know that it wouldn’t even be that bad if she thought he liked men.

“…but God forbid if she found out I was part of an obscure subculture based around a dance popularized by a pill head body builder”

While De Mesa makes light of his situation, some experts believe that it may be a silent cry for help.

“Just like regular missionary porn, he’ll soon find normal muzz videos boring” says ‘retiree’ Strawberry Cheng.

“Naturally, he’ll move onto synchronized muzz duets first, then to fat girls before simply skipping muzzing and going straight to the Gurn Appreciation Society”

Look out for Phillip front right this Saturday. He’ll be busting a groove to anything with a hectic drop.

Try using these headphones to practice your muzz safely for the next event

Bose QuietComfort 35 (Series II) Wireless Bluetooth Headphones, Noise Cancelling – Silver

TaoTronics Active Noise Cancelling Bluetooth Headphones Wireless Over Ear Headset Foldable

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Jimmy is the in-field correspondent for breaking and trending news. In his free time he enjoys scrolling aimlessly on social media and stalking past girlfriends.